Lessons

A funny thing happens when you are either trying to conceive or, like myself, trying to adopt. You start to see babies EVERYWHERE. It may seem like I'm diminishing things, but I think it's somewhat akin to the moment you decide to buy a blue.... (insert make and model of car here). You make that decision and it's like wherever you go, every freeway, driveway or parking lot is full of that darn car. Dealerships are everywhere and that one desire seems to be front and center being showcased everywhere you go.  

Sometimes it's hard to see these babies, mothers, children, children's stores, and pregnant women everywhere you go. It creates a sense of need that seems to be bred into women. A deep longing that is almost indescribable.

Rather than succumb to the various bouts of self-pity, tantrums and otherwise general pouting I could lend myself to, I'd rather make a decision. I'm going to make it my goal to learn from the abundance of mommy knowledge I have around me. I want to take this opportunity to see the things that I have a bright new focus on and learn new and exciting things. Who knows? Maybe it will come in handy some day.....

Lessons for today:

#1 Parenting is best done proactively. The more you can tire your children out with play, imagination and exploration, the less difficult down times are. Play them into the ground and you'll rarely have trouble with bedtimes. 

#2 Enjoy the little moments. Children grow so quickly and it is so easy to miss the little moments. Sometimes the moments that make you frustrated and angry will eventually be the moments you laugh and share for generations. Take the time to remember and enjoy them. There will never be a time when you say a moment wasn't worth remembering.

#3 Children are little people with astoundingly good memories and perception. Be careful of what you present in their lives. Someday you may see evidence of that presentation in a way you never expected. Be mindful of the way the decisions you make affect others and remember that, even though these little people may not seem to take everything in, they really see the whole world with a clarity that many of us lose over time. They are extremely vulnerable to the influences around them.

What lessons do you learn from the people and things around you?

Mixed Up Family

People sometimes ask me why I feel so strongly about adoption. My desires to adopt have come from a very personal place in my life. My family is very mixed up.... I don't mean in a bad way (OK, I think every family has a little crazy in it) but just in a way that we come from all over the place. Here's a little rundown of my family so that when I talk about wanting to adopt you know where it's coming from.

My biological father and mother found out she was pregnant when my mom was  merely 17 years old. They got married and welcomed my brother and sister into this world on August 6th, 1969 (yes, they're twins). My mom then settled into motherhood and attempted, unsuccessfully, to have more children for 14 years. I was the "surprise" that came almost exactly 14 years after the birth of my brother and sister.

This is my biological sister and me.

My parents were then divorced when I was three years old. My brother and sister were 17 and on their way out into the world. My father was rarely around from that point on and when he was there he was generally just a terrible person and influence. After the divorce my mom moved us to another home on a cul-de-sac where there were tons of children who played together outside until the last shred of light held on and everyone would skid into the front door as the street lights came on. It was a much needed change from our life with my father.

Bob, Wayne, Carrie, and Janice

Next door to that house lived a family who would later become an integral part of our lives. Bob and Janice were the married unit of my familial dreams. They had adopted Carrie from Korea and Wayne from San Diego. Wayne was only a year and a half older than me and quickly became my best friend. As time progressed and Wayne and I spent more and more time together, I slowly insinuated myself into their home. I was there just as much as I was at my own home. Bob saw how much my mom was struggling to be a mother, father and provider for me all at once. He realized the fatherly void in my life and rushed to fill it. 

Late night tantrums... He was there.

Early morning nightmares... He was there.

School performances, report cards, skinned knees, story time.... He was there for all that too.

As you can see I was a fighter by nature... there were a lot of tantrums.

Bob simply had a gift for being a dad. I truly believe that is why he and Janice were never able to have children of their own. They were put on this Earth to parent other people's children.

Bob became "Dad" and Janice became a step-mom of sorts. Bob, Janice and my mom filled every need I had from a family, we just lived in separate houses. Early in the morning my mom would get ready for work and carry my tired, limp body over to Bob and Janice's. Janice would then get me up and ready for school. At night my mom and Bob would tuck me in. It was sort of a village effort to raise me. 

There were times when I felt a lot of yearning for my biological father and a need for his love, attention and acceptance, but as I grew older I learned that family isn't always the people that you were born with but rather the ones that God blesses your life with.

Brother, Mom, Me, Donny, Bob, Sister

Bob is the person that stood proudly at my graduation and cheered me on. He is the man my husband went to when he asked for my hand in marriage and the man that walked me down the aisle. He has comforted me, scolded me and been there when the man that was given me, wasn't. He is the man I call, "Dad." 

Dad and me on my wedding day

To this day I know that "adoption" means to be chosen. It means someone loving you, caring for you and committing their life to raising you because they choose to.
That's why I want to adopt a child.

A Hope of Parenthood

It's amazing how quickly children can become your complete focus even if they're not actually born of you.

My husband and I have decided to adopt. We haven't reached this decision quickly, though most of our friends and family think we're being rash. Though we have not, as of yet, been able to have children the old fashioned way, adoption has always been a part of our plan.

We hear things constantly like: "Don't you want to have your own?" "You're so lucky to not have children, it leaves you the ability to do other things and save money," and my all time favorite, "I know someone who's a friend of a cousin's barber's nephew (and so on) that couldn't have children and as soon as they adopted they got pregnant right away." Usually that one has a slight variation of, "I know....... and they finally decided to adopt and they went to ___________ (fill this blank with your interchangeable country, county, state or other various new fad orphanage) and came back with a baby right away. It seemed pretty simple for them, so maybe it will be for you, too."

Either of these statements is quickly followed by the sentiment... "You know all you need to do is relax, stop stressing about it and it will happen."

The truth is that I'm not really stressed about getting pregnant. I have always wanted to adopt. If there is any stress involved it's simply from the fact that I want to have children, however they may come to me, and adoption is a long, tough road.

I wish I could say that, just like any other parent, I will decide to adopt and within 9 months I will have a new sleepless and baby filled life. It simply doesn't work that way. 

 Some facts of adoption that most don't know:

• Adoption is expensive. Most people don't start out saving money for this process and therefore is often does not go as quickly as some "friend of friend's" went because it is so costly. The average domestic adoption will cost $0-$20,000 and sometimes upwards of $30,000. The low end of this spectrum ($0-$10,000) is more than likely for an adoption of a severely disabled child, extreme cases of special needs children, or older child(ren) in the foster care system. Many times these lower costs are associated with adopting large sibling groups.
• International adoption is expensive too. Although the process internationally is much more streamlined than the states and tends to have less bumps in the road, the process will generally cost between $15,000-$30,000.
• Its a long wait. The process from application (yes you have to apply to adopt and not everyone is accepted) to finalization generally takes anywhere from 12 months to 48 months depending on the type of adoption.
• There are limits. Depending on on the state, county, or country there are guidelines for age, marital status, previous divorce status, difference in age, home ownership, pets in the home, other children in the home and income for the adoptive family.
• There are lots of tests and evaluations for your health, psychological well being, marital health and home. The basis of your ability to adopt is determined by these extensive evaluations.

To say the least we have thought about this a lot. As I said, it's amazing how quickly children can become your entire focus without even being born of you. As I begin this journey to bring a little one into my home and life I will struggle to enjoy the little moments. The excitement of preparing a room. Of sharing the knowledge of my plans with my friends and family. Of anticipating the joys, trials, excitement, frustration and astonishment of new parenthood. Most of all I will choose to stay calm and write about my journey.